I don’t know where to start. I’ve written out my feelings and thoughts concerning KAE so many times I can’t remember. It never seems right. It never seems to help. Neither does talking with anyone, friend or professional. Trying to forget has done me no good. I just keep muscling along.
When I was twelve, I met a girl on the school bus. I fell in love with her within minutes. A lot of people scoff at the idea, but It’s true. I haven’t really been able to shake it since.
I’m fully aware that she left me five years ago. I know that she’s happily married. That’s all fine. Maybe her memory shouldn’t bother me anymore, but it does. KAE is my reference point for most things. Again, that’s not an issue. It’s hard to put into words where my tangled emotions are. Everything with her is so contradictory. I love her and despise her, and I fucking hate both of those feelings. She comes up in conversation periodically, because working into a life without her was difficult for me, It defined me for a long time.
Still, none of that is really what bothers me most of the time. The worst of it comes in my dreams. Every now and then (roughly every three weeks), I have a sleep filled with dreams about losing her and the months that followed. Showcased are every negative aspect of my personality. Every desperate action and pathetic cry for her attention become amplified.
That she left me for another guy was painful, but my regrets concern my lack of action, my unwillingness to fight, and my inability to let the blame rest where it probably belongs.
No person that witnessed me back then would say that I handled losing KAE in a healthy or reasonable manner. I didn’t leave my dormitory for weeks. I spent most of my free time and every holiday drinking, curled up in bed crying, or both. That first valentines day after saw me somewhat inebriated, walking four miles to a store where I spent every dime I had on gifts that I then placed in her car using her spare key.
That’s creepy. I was a mess. I know all of that. I knew it then.
Taking my life proved difficult. I felt like even more of a failure.
It was over a year before I even attempted dating again…to keep this part of the story short:
I’ve had no relationship since that could be considered even a little successful. That’s not her fault. I was largely looking for comfort in the people I sought out. I was interested in people that were interested in me. Nothing else mattered. Turns out that a lot of people are sort of cruel.
I didn’t like myself; I didn’t even really know who I was independent of KAE. I have a much better idea now, and I’m grateful for that.
I’ve gained a few great friends out of that situation. Friends who don’t and probably never could understand how much their presence is responsibly for my still being here. I needed their support, their loyalty, their [often very blunt and brutal] honesty.
I think I’m always going to love KAE. I’m not particularly thrilled by that realization, but I know that the pain fades. It has so far, and it will continue to do so.
I’m only really certain of one thing concerning her:
I am better off.